This is the start of my second blog. The first blog began on Tumblr when I thought I was starting from scratch by moving across the U.S. with my husband to a place where I had no family, friends, or job.
The blog was going along, albeit slowly. It wasn’t easy trying to blog and unpack given the stress of moving. Little did I know what was waiting for me around the next corner.
While I had let go of all that was familiar to make the move to Buffalo, New York, I had not lost it all. I still had a husband I adored and his emotional and financial support. And then, with no warning at all, that was gone too.
I’ll save the details for another time. 82 days ago I had my heart eviscerated and anything resembling financial security taken away. I am 56 years old and I have no home and no income. My belongings are all in Buffalo. I am in California. It was a new marriage so the laws pertaining to divorce will not make me whole financially. I am soooooo screwed.
I thought I had made a conscious decision when I agreed to marry again. It turns out that I was wrong about that. And in opening my heart and my life and giving it all to my new husband I took the risk of losing it all. And lose it all, I did.
Somewhere along the way, way before I met my soon-to-be-ex, I fell asleep to myself. I stopped being able to feel and hear my own longings and responses to my life. And I was looking to something or someone on the outside to move my life along to it’s next chapter. I started dating again, after a very long break. I started dating when, in hindsight, I would have been better served by taking a long hard look at my life and letting go of what was no longer working.
Had I done that instead, I would have been interested in the man I married, but I wouldn’t have married him. We wouldn’t have been a match, and I would have known it back then if I had been able to be a more authentic me.
But I didn’t do that. And Life gets It’s way 100% of the time. Instead of getting rid of what wasn’t working in my life the easy way, Life got rid of it for me the hard way.
The grief, the shock, the sorrow, the stress, the health problems of the last 82 days have all been so overwhelming and sad that blogging was not only inappropriate, but also out of the question.
So I begin again now. And that will be a recurring theme here. Because the way to move forward (when it is time to move forward) from any failure, disappointment, shock, tragedy, or loss is to begin again now.
Here I am. Here I am, G-d. And G-d responds and the sadness and anger abate for a bit and I can breathe a deep breath and really feel, ‘I am here.’ I am here now, not that horrible there, but here.
I am here. I can work with that. Breathe. Feel. Breathe again. I am here.
I can begin again now.